Active listening is a skill all therapists learn. It is the ability to listen without interruption but listen for key issues that repeat or may be significant.
Don’t offer advice
If your friend is experiencing relationship problems, show care but do not tell them what to do. People in a difficult relationship or experiencing toxic relationships can get things very twisted in terms of what they are feeling and thinking. No specific advice offered from you at that time will be helpful. Instead, it’s best to support, use phrases such as “that seems difficult” or “how was that for you”. Be supportive but not directive.
Pay attention
It’s really important to pay attention when your friend confides in you. Don’t be making a cake, washing the dishes or changing a nappy while you’re listening to them. Be present and kind and loving – that is always key.
Ask if they are OK
Ask if they are OK. If you suspect domestic violence then ask them about how they are hurt or if they are scared. Consider what they are telling you. Do not act upon anything without checking with them first. If you feel they are in danger suggest they access help and find a helpline number for them to call. Be there for them and give them access to you.
Remember Boundaries
Remember boundaries. A friend in need can be very demanding for a long, long time. Don’t be afraid to set times to talk or be together. Calls at 01.00 when we have work the next day aren’t helpful or welcomed. Be strong and discuss that you want to be there for them and ask if checking in several times a week would be good. Take care of yourself and you’ll be able to take care of them.
Be mindful that we all, YES ALL, have relationship issues. We do not necessarily leave a relationship, so don’t ‘gang up’ on your friend’s partner. They may well make up again and then you will wish that you’d never said anything. Take it for what it is and help your friend to get through the difficult time without pulling punches.
Again if domestic violence is part of your friend’s situation find the helplines online and do what you can to help them be safe.