Commonly held ideas about toxic relationships are that they cause people a lot of harm and unhappiness over a long period of time. I would add that although a toxic relationship is one where the partnership is generally not working, it may seem to work some of the time. However, the people within a toxic relationship are pretty much miserable and one of them will be much more in control than the other abusing that position of power. Read about the 10 signs of a toxic relationship here.
Can a toxic relationship be fixed?
Yes! Anything can be fixed but only if the perpetrator – or both of the people experiencing the volatile relationship – wants to change. And they will only want to fix things if they see it isn’t working and that can be very difficult when you’re in a toxic marriage or relationship.
Sometimes there has to be a cathartic moment, something huge that all of a sudden knocks one of them out. They think, ‘Hold on a second. What am I doing here? This isn’t working.’ And that can be anything. It could be something that happens at a dinner party or while waiting for a bus. Somebody might point out, ‘Oi, you shouldn’t do that to her (or him)!’ This can lead to a realisation or an awakening that it’s time to either fix the relationship, or leave.
Can you fix a toxic relationship? Yes, but one person can’t fix it because we can only fix ourselves. If it’s your friend that is struggling in a relationship, learn more here about how you can help.
Book about Toxic Relationships
In my book, Learning How To Leave, I make it very clear that we as codependents are the kind people who put up with lots of things and hope there’s going to be change. All the time we’re doing that, we’re getting sucked dry until there’s nothing left.
On the other hand, the perpetrators – the narcissists or control freaks, whatever they are – will be finding ways to gain as much as they can from the situation without empathy towards their partner. They don’t see the need to be kind or caring. They’re usually passive-aggressive so the abuse is not always noticed by others.
What to do in a toxic relationship
So, if you are in a toxic relationship, one of you needs to recognise it’s not working and then inform the other one, ‘If you don’t make changes, I’m gone!’
Another thing: In the world of therapy, we have so many different therapies now, even I don’t know what half of them are. When I’m looking through one of the professional magazines I get, I come across therapies where I don’t know what the therapist does.
Systemic Coaching and Psychotherapy
I am trained as a systemic coach and the word ‘systemic’ is the key. If you are going to see somebody for relationship issues, make sure they have specific training in relationships. Wherever you are in the world, there’s usually a national agency for relationship work. In the UK it’s RELATE. In the USA, there’s PACE. So Google ‘relationship therapists’ and ensure that the person that you choose is qualified in relationship work.
If the therapist isn’t fully trained, they can’t hold you both and would not know the rules and laws that govern relationship therapy.
For example, if I see a couple or a family and I see abuse, I can warn against it and we can contract that no abuse continues. If it continues, I am not ethically or legally allowed to continue with that case. That’s important because if somebody’s not trained they will just sit there and not know how to manage that dynamic. Relationships are complicated. Imagine you’re sitting there and you’ve got two or more people in the room. You’re going to need to know how to manage that.
So, find yourself somebody that has systemic relationship training to work with you as a couple or as a family.
When is it time to leave your relationship?
Knowing when to leave is a lot more simple than you’d think. If you’re sitting on a train or at your desk at work reading this and you’re thinking, “Do you know what, it sounds a lot like me in there,” especially if you’re thinking of killing yourself because you can’t do this any more – or you’re feeling trapped because if you leave you will miss them but you just can’t go on with your life being ruined any more and you being sucked dry – then it’s time to leave your relationship. But you have to leave safely. Please do not make a knee-jerk reaction after reading this.
It’s important to educate yourself on how to leave. It’s not that simple. It depends on your perpetrator too because if you were to leave and they’re not done with you then they will use everything to hook you back.
Read my book about toxic relationships. It gives you step-by-step ideas on how to identify what’s happening in your relationship, how to really understand your partner and yourself and then how to really safely leave. And it’s so important that you safely leave. If you are in imminent danger, get out immediately. There is no heavier statement I can make than that. If you are in danger, leave! Too many people have died because they didn’t leave.
If you feel you are going to kill yourself, reach out to an appropriate resource. There are online helplines you can call – take a look here. There are people who can help you. Just tell yourself there could be one more thing out there that’s worth living for, just one more thing. Then pick up the phone and call somebody. There is a reason to live and there is a life outside of your Hell you’re experiencing. Just give it one more shot. One more chance. Pick up the phone!
You will need support. It’s not easy to leave someone you love. It’s not easy to leave someone you have children with or have a circle of friends with. It may not be easy to leave someone with whom you’ve built memories over the past year, ten years or 40 years. But there is a better life on the other side. You have to believe that and take appropriate, safe steps.