Domestic and family violence (DFV) is often difficult to recognise, even for those experiencing it. Knowing what questions to ask, how to respond and what to do next changes lives. That’s why I developed SOS-DV-8, an eight-step model designed to help people recognise abuse, respond safely and find a pathway towards recovery.
I have spoken with people who were adamant that they had never experienced domestic violence, only to discover through our conversations that they had been living with controlling or abusive behaviour for years.
This presents a challenge for therapists, healthcare professionals, friends, family members and anyone else who might be in a position to help.
How do we recognise abuse when it isn’t obvious? How do we respond without making matters worse? And how do we support someone not only to escape a dangerous relationship but to rebuild their life afterwards?
These are the questions at the heart of SOS-DV-8, also known as Acton’s Domestic Violence Model for Gatekeepers.
What is SOS-DV-8?
SOS-DV-8 is my eight-step framework for recognising, responding to and supporting recovery from domestic violence.
I originally developed the model for gatekeepers: people who may find themselves in a position to recognise abuse and offer support or appropriate intervention.
A gatekeeper might be a therapist, doctor, teacher, police officer, social worker, friend or family member. Often, a child is the first person to recognise something is wrong and bring it to the attention of a trusted adult. Sometimes, we must become gatekeepers for ourselves.
My model is designed to help people look beyond assumptions, recognise danger, ask better questions and offer practical, compassionate support.
An earlier professional version of the model formed the basis of a credentialed domestic violence course launched by the Mental Health Academy in April 2024. I subsequently included SOS-DV-8 in my book Weathering Relationships, adapting its lessons for a wider readership.
The eight steps are:
- Step 1 – Triaging & Threats: Recognising the warning signs of DFV, including those that are easily overlooked, and learning how to ask questions that reveal what may really be happening.
- Step 2 – Safeguarding Self/Abusee: Understanding the importance of personal safety, recognising immediate risks and determining when protective action or professional intervention may be needed.
- Step 3 – Creating Head Space: Establishing a compassionate, non-judgmental space in which someone experiencing abuse can begin to understand their feelings, explore conflicting emotions and consider their options.
- Step 4 – Reality Check: Past, Present, Future: Looking honestly at relationship patterns, challenging distorted perceptions and developing a clearer understanding of the past, present and possible future.
- Step 5 – Navigating Escape: Exploring the practical, emotional and safety considerations involved in leaving an abusive relationship, with an emphasis on thoughtful preparation and appropriate support.
- Step 6 – Staying Strong: Understanding the psychological and emotional pressures that can pull someone back into an abusive relationship, and developing the resilience to maintain their independence.
- Step 7 – Choosing Battles: Learning to distinguish between necessary practical disputes and unproductive conflict, while protecting personal wellbeing and focusing on what truly matters.
- Step 8 – Building Onwards & Upwards: Moving beyond survival towards healing, rediscovering self-worth, rebuilding confidence and creating the foundations for a happier, healthier future.
Discover the complete SOS-DV-8 model
These eight steps provide an introduction to the principles behind SOS-DV-8. But understanding what each step involves – and knowing how to apply it in real-life situations – requires a deeper exploration.
My SOS-DV-8 handbook (published 2026), presents the complete model, including specific, practical approaches for gatekeepers.
SOS-DV-8 is a pathway, not a rigid checklist
Although I describe SOS-DV-8 in eight steps, human experience rarely follows an orderly sequence. People may revisit earlier steps, require renewed safeguarding support or need time before they are ready to consider major changes.
Someone may recognise abuse without feeling ready to leave. Another person may have left years ago but still be struggling with guilt or unresolved trauma. The framework is intended to guide understanding and appropriate support, not to impose deadlines or expectations.
Nor is it a substitute for emergency intervention or specialist domestic abuse services.
Asking better questions
My own relationship experiences and more than 30 years as a therapist, have taught me the importance of asking the right questions at the right time. This is particularly relevant to DFV. Someone experiencing abuse may feel ashamed, frightened, confused or protective of the person harming them. They may not use the language of domestic violence to describe their experiences. And they usually have very good reasons for being cautious about what they reveal.
Our responsibility is to approach these conversations with sensitivity, curiosity and compassion. Rather than making assumptions and imposing solutions, we can actively listen and explore possibilities. Rather than asking why someone has failed to leave, we can ask what support they might need to become safer.
From surviving abuse to rebuilding a life
I developed SOS-DV-8 because recognising DFV is only part of the challenge. We also need to understand how to respond safely, how to support people through difficult decisions and how to help them recover afterwards. The model brings these responsibilities together in eight interconnected steps. But there is one message I particularly want people to take away.
You are not defined by what has happened to you.
Whether you are experiencing abuse, supporting someone you care about or rebuilding your life after a destructive relationship, there can be a way forward. Recovery may be difficult. It may take longer than you imagined. There may be setbacks along the way, but hope is vital.
The ultimate purpose of SOS-DV-8 is not simply to help someone recognise and escape abuse. It’s to help them rediscover their strength, reclaim their freedom and build a life that is healthier, happier and more fulfilling than the one they have left behind. That is what I mean by weathering relationships.
Dr Michael Acton is a psychologist and author of the Power of You book series, including Weathering Relationships. His SOS-DV-8 model, also known as Acton’s Domestic Violence Model for Gatekeepers, provides an eight-step framework for recognising and responding to domestic violence and supporting recovery.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, please reach out immediately to your local emergency services.
Image credit: “Domestic Violence” by d!zzy, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0